


The Trainer's Ex

by Galahard



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Gym AU, Tiny amounts of Percilot but not enough to tag it properly, i guess, tumblr post au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-06 21:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8770126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galahard/pseuds/Galahard
Summary: So I was going to use this for a stocking stuffer prompt, then got inspired myself and had to write it. If you know the post about the fitness trainer whose ex kept her stuff hostage, you know this story, I just smashed it with Kingsman :D
http://throwtime.tumblr.com/post/124975825468/throwtime-im-about-to-have-a-fun-afternoon





	

Harry forced himself not to collapse when his second hour ended.

 

Most of his sessions with Merlin were a scant hour, but every fortnight he had one two hour session. His trainer claimed it was because he had to miss every other Monday due to late meetings, but Harry was fairly certain he knew the reason.

 

Merlin was Satan. 

 

Or at least a lesser demon. No one else would have put him through the hell that he’d just went through, though at least by staying the extra hour on Friday’s meant he stayed past the gym’s busiest time. 

 

By the time he showered and had made himself presentable again he had a enough time to get to the smoothie bar before it closed up for the night, and he was often one of the last customers. Which meant loitering at the counter and talking to the young man that’d started working over the summer while his thighs screamed in protest because apparently doing squats between every other exercise was the newest level of hell Merlin had concocted, which he was quick to point out to Eggsy when he finally gave up and moved over to the other side of the counter that was a little bit farther away from where Eggsy was cleaning up, but it at least had a couple of bar stools. 

 

Closing time came and went, and he continued to sit there, turning to his phone whenever Eggsy had to go take care of something in the back, until finally Merlin appeared, thankfully showered, all of the equipment wiped down and put up for the night.

 

They left together, walking with Eggsy until they got to his underground stop and leaving him to continue on to their favorite pub.

 

He could tell something was up with Merlin. If the look on the bald man’s face hadn’t given it away, the fact that he was practically shuffling along would have. Merlin pushed him, but only for his own benefit. He didn’t ordinarily go this far.

 

Still, he let the Scotsman put away a double and drain half of a pint before he brought it up.

 

“So, what seems to be the problem? Wednesday you seemed fine, almost chipper in fact.”

 

There was a moment of silence, Merlin scowling but still trying to decide if he’d answer before he shrugged, knocked back the other pint, and ordered another double.

 

“Sigmund and I broke it off.”

 

“Is that what’s upsetting you?”

 

“Fuck no, Sigmund was a prick. But even though I still have my flat I’d been practically living over there. He moved into one of those new flats they put in just down the road, so I didn’t even have to get out my bike to go to work. Only problem is, half my stuff’s still over at his place, and he knows the telly is mine, so he won’t let me in. But I’ve got some important stuff over there, like my prescription sunglasses, so it’s a fucking pain.”

 

“Another pint?” the bartender asked, looking slightly concerned considering they normally worked their way through a single shot and pint over the course of an hour rather than a scant ten minutes.

 

“Yes, please.”

 

\------------

 

It wasn’t until he was sitting down to breakfast that it hit him. He retrieved his laptop, setting it up next to his plate and typing with one hand while he finished his toast with the other. A month or so ago Merlin had had to cancel his classes for the day, and he’d accidentally sent it out to everyone without blind carbon copying it. It wasn’t a huge deal, it wasn’t like it was his work email being spread about, but it meant that Harry had all of the addresses for the people that Merlin trained. At least on Wednesdays.

 

AKA Harry had the emails of several people that were extremely fit and more than likely loyal to Merlin.

 

It only took a moment to tap out the email, inviting everyone to join them at the pub he often frequented with Merlin at 4:00 so they could meet up and then head over to Sigmund’s house to rescue Merlin’s things. 

 

If Eggsy’s email ended up mixed in among the rest it was only because he knew how to look tough. That was it.

 

\------------

 

By 3:50 everyone had arrived. Everyone. The first to arrive had introduced himself as Alistair, or perfectlypercival according to his email, which had been fine. He was quiet, and if Harry hadn’t appreciated that he might have found it unnerving. But after a moment someone swaggered over from the bar, practically throwing himself into the booth next to Alistair and holding out a hand. “James, but you might know me as babygotlance.”

 

“I primarily know you as my biggest mistake,” Alistair pointed out. “Have you heard from Roxy?”

 

“She’s almost here. Sounds like she ran into that smoothie bloke on the tube.”

 

That meant nothing, Harry reminded himself, then he found himself waving over a couple of gentlemen he’d seen before at the gym, body builders by the look of them. Kay and Bors. 

 

He had to admit that they made a pretty impressive sight walking down the street to the flats Merlin had described. With just that it’d been enough to find Sigmund, it wasn’t precisely a common name, though it was unlikely that the man was just going to ring him up. So it was his neighbor that Harry rang, explaining that he was there to see his friend but Sigmund wasn’t answering the buzzer, and the door was unlocked before he’d even truly started the story he’d concocted.

 

The difficult part was squeezing them all into the elevator, Bors and Kay’s massive shoulders taking up what felt like half of the elevator.

 

They filed into the hallway, James stepping forward to try to talk to him when he came to the door.

 

“Who is it?”

 

“Your neighbor! Hey, I think you left one of your shirts in the laundry, just bringing it by to make sure it’s yours.”

 

The door opened a crack, and that was all they needed. James got his foot in the door (literally) and from there it was a matter of forcing Sigmund back so they could open it fully, all seven of them sweeping into the room. 

 

“You’re Sigmund I presume?”

 

“I don’t know who the fuck you are but I’m calling the police!”

 

“I don’t think that would be a good idea. You see, we’re just here to retrieve some stolen property.”

 

Roxy stepped up to his side. “I think Sigmund and I should have a little chat, Galahad. Why don’t you go try to help them find Merlin’s things.”

 

“Of course. All of you, look for anything that appears to be knitted or tartan. We need to make sure to get his glasses too. Kay, can you manage that big of a telly by yourself?”

 

“Obviously.” Kay looked affronted as he picked up the big screen, walking it over to the door. Sigmund didn’t have a chance to argue though, the man was instead being slowly backed up against the wall, Roxy’s voice perfectly smooth and calm, though her words promised a fate worse than death.

 

At that point Harry started his own sweep of the flat. Anything that seemed remotely like something Merlin might own (or need...or want), he started collecting. He’d been around Merlin before when he hadn’t had his tea, and it was terrifying. So the electric kettle was really just a safeguard.

 

James was the one in the kitchen, cheerfully filling up grocery bags with apparently every single bit of junk food he could find, quite a bit of it things that Harry knew Merlin would never touch. Off to the side though was the good stuff, and Harry handed over a mostly full bottle of whiskey as soon as he spotted it. “This is Merlin’s brand,” he explained.

 

“I don’t know about Merlin, but when I’m smashed I’ll drink just about whatever. Better get the rest of it!” James winked at him, and Harry left him to it, knowing the man had whatever it was well under control.

 

The wc had already been commandeered by Alistair, who was smirking to himself as he put each and every bit of hair product he could find into an overnight bag. Already there was a bag filled with apparently every roll of toilet paper in the place, as well as every box of tissues.

 

Their eyes met and they shared a grin before Harry made his way down the hall into the bedroom. There he was greeted by chaos. Bors had taken him at his word, and on the bed was a pile of plaid and knitted sweaters. 

 

Eggsy meanwhile was taking every single thing out of the dressers, quickly tossing out whatever he didn’t deem fit and filling up a duffel bag with the rest. 

 

“Need any help?”

 

“Think I’ve got it,” Eggsy muttered, then he stopped and turned slowly. Carefully pinched between two fingers he held out a pair of handcuffs. “What’d you think? These Merlin’s?”

 

“Better take them just in case,” Harry found himself saying, then, taking in the still horrified look on Eggsy’s face he made an offer he truly didn’t want to make, but that Eggsy couldn’t refuse. “Why don’t I finish up with that drawer, you can start stuffing those piles of clothes into bags.”

 

Once he was finished collecting every gram of lube there was in the place he stopped, refusing to touch most of the objects in the rest of the drawer. There were some things Merlin was just going to have to replace on his own. 

 

He was carrying a couple of bags, Eggsy following him with a couple more, when they heard a grunt and groan, followed by creaking. He turned in time to see Bors stagger a couple of steps while holding the dresser, setting it down in front of the closet and then shoving it until it was flush against the closet door. Then he scooped up the last bag, pulled the alarm clock off of the nightstand, and strutted out of the bedroom, positively beaming.

 

Roxy was still reading Sigmund the riot act when they made it to the living room, and Harry could easily spot the telltale traces of tear marks down his cheeks. He almost felt bad for the guy, but then he remembered why they were there, shifted his bags to one hand, and took some sort of paperweight from one of the end tables. That was when he spotted the sunglasses, and with some careful finagling he managed to pick those up as well.

 

“I think we’ve got what we came for,” he offered when Roxy paused to take a breath. “Thank you for your time Sigmund, we’ll be taking our leave now.

 

\-----------

 

“Oi, Merlin, we’re going to need you to ring us up, yeah?”

 

“Eggsy? What are earth are you doing here? Just a minute.”

 

Merlin sounded annoyed over the intercom, but they were buzzed up just a moment later. He’d already opened the door by the time the lift arrived, and Harry watched smugly as his jaw dropped. Then kept falling.

 

“We figured it might help you get settled in if you had some of your things back. And maybe a few new ones.”

 

Merlin shook his head, reaching up to massage his temples, but Harry could see the grin on his face before he looked up, expression now mildly serious. “You’re all idiots. But you might as well come in and have a drink.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey look I actually wrote something :D This is nonsense, but thanks for reading, it was partially just to remind myself that I can write ficlets.


End file.
